VS Fashion Show 2017 from a male's perspective

When deciding who would write about bras and undies and high fashion models and The Sexiest Lingerie Brand in the World, Off the Record creator Savannah Evanoff, naturally, didn’t choose herself … or any of the four other fashion forward females on her roster of writers.

No, who sat there with pen and pad on Tuesday night dissecting the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show for this blog? A 24-year-old male sportswriter. Yeah, me.

When Savannah asked if I would do it, there were no if, ands or buts (butts*) about it. The only thing (thong*) I questioned was if I could use a pseudonym. Ultimately, I decided against it.

So here I go.

As any sports writer should in a post-game or post-event article — I have to let readers know the participants and the final score. After adding up the totals of the 55 women who graced the Shanghai stage, here’s how I scored it:

The world: 1. Everyone else: 0.

The fashion show concert with models walking through it — that, at times, felt like a Discovery Channel documentary — was decent, maybe a bit overhyped (just as I think it is every year). But how should I know? I’m not the target audience.

Anyway, here’s are some of the thoughts I had while watching the hour-long slumber party:

  • Am I on the right channel? Why am I seeing the Great Wall of China? Wait…is the fashion show on the Great Wall?!? Now that would be cool. (Quick research: Shanghai is 795 miles from the Wall. That’s about the distance from New York to South Georgia.)

  • This voiceover guy sounds like the narrator from those Vh1 “Famous life of…” shows.

  • I’m digging these first looks. I like the punk rock vibe. But can you really buy black leather jackets with spikes at Victoria’s Secret? (Later in the show a model was wearing just a backpack and underwear. No one did that where I went to school…)

  • Harry Styles is still relevant?

  • A lot of these outfits look the same. They couldn’t be more diverse?

  • One of the models just playfully slapped another on the butt. I wonder what the HR department will have to say about that.

  • Styles keeps repeating the lyric, “It’s none of your business.” This is a lingerie fashion show. Clearly, it is.

Side note: Props to these women for having the confidence to do this. Yes, they’re super skinny models, but it still takes courage to do what they’re doing. The confidence and attitude is attractive in itself.

  • They’re tying one of the model’s boot laces seconds before she goes on? Who’s in charge of time management? (This, of course, is all for show. No one would wait to tie their shoe or miraculously lose their wings seconds before going on, like one model did.)

  • We have our first *Make a heart and blow a kiss* pose at the end of the runway! I was waiting for one of these.

  • Are we really getting a Kung Fu lesson from Victoria’s Secret models? Wait, didn’t they go to this Buddhist temple on The Amazing Race?

  • Oh no, she fell! Commentary: “Oh, my goodness.” “She’s up!” “Giselle’s got her!” Damn right, Giselle has her. Oh no, she’s crying. Model through it, girl. (Note to designer: That’s what happens when you put 20 feet of netting under someone’s high heels.)

  • We’ve got a second kiss and heart pose!

  • I thought for way too long the mustard-colored ‘P’ on one of the model’s sweatshirts was for Purdue. Again…sportswriter.

  • How long do they have to extend these songs to fit the segments? Whoa, that’s a puffy outfit.

  • A $2 million bra. One dollar for every guy who would struggle to take it off.

  • 10:45 p.m. ET: I wonder how heavy the wings are.

  • 10:46 p.m. ET: Model: “So heavy!”

So, the show is over and I officially feel like Carson Kressley. I may even start my own fashion and music blog to rival Savannah’s.

In reality, I just did this so one day Savannah has to cover a Friday night high school football game.

Josh Hyber, 24, is a sports reporter.